It has been an awful day at the start of an awful year. The grim reaper has been busy. Famous, amazing people have left us so far, and although it has saddened me, I have another reason to think death is a horrible fucker. I’ve experienced loss before and it’s the worst feeling in the world. This is a tough one to write, so bear with me.
Today, I put my cat, Titch in her cage and went to the vet expecting to be told that she was too ill to ever bring home again. Before I left the house, I spent as much time as I could stroking her fur and whispering to her. As the hour approached for her vet appointment, I cried and cried into endless strips of toilet paper. She has been ill for months and I’ve known for some time now that it is going to be my decision as to when it’s time for her to go. At 2pm, I braced myself and when I put the cage down, she walked straight into it without having to be coaxed. I sealed the cage and off we went. In the waiting room, I sat there with her, reaching in once in a while to stoke her head until the vet called us in. To my surprise, the vet said that although it was still a matter of time and still would be my decision as long as Titch didn’t deteriorate in the next few weeks, I could take her home. We had a reprieve. It’s not long and it doesn’t change things, but for now, I’m grateful for the few days more I have with her, as long as she’s not suffering.
When I though I was all cried out for the day, I got a call from overseas. A dear member of the family died this morning. She was a kind, funny and generous lady. I thought of her family and everyone who loved her and what they must be feeling. I remembered the last times I had seen her and how she aways had a hug and a smile for everyone around her. She had been ill for a long time, but I still wasn’t ready for the news. I can only imagine what her immediate family and friends had gone through these last dreadful weeks since her condition worsened. So, once I put the phone down, the tears came again. It was a combination of knowing that lovely woman was gone and knowing that I was one word away from having my beloved pet for 13 years put to sleep.
The stress of today is about all I can take, so I’m signing off now to think about everyone I’ve lost and to regroup for the days ahead.
For this prompt, write about either someone you’ve lost or about how you feel about death. It’s something we will all have to face someday and not an easy subject, but I believe it is something worth pondering, even if you only write something private, for yourself alone.